Occasions that simply punctuate the week for many families are the stuff that memories are made of for Zoey Clarke and her teenagers.

For more than half her life Storm 15, who loves tucking into a Sunday roast with Zoe, 43, and her big brother Sonny, 18, says there were no family times she chose to remember.

Asked about her early childhood, she says: “I can’t remember anything because we never did anything. We never went out – not even to the park. Mum never read us bed time stories. We were always late for school, which was embarrassing, and I had very few friends. On the rare occasion I went to someone’s house, I saw them eating together and playing games and I longed for that.

“The other day I was walking down the street, and I saw a mum and her little girl hand in hand, and my heart ached… for me. I never had that.

“If I have children I’ll make sure they feel loved and safe. I feel very sad for the girl I was, who didn’t ask to be born and was delivered into a life of addiction.”

Until eight years ago, Zoey, who maintained an outward appearance of respectability as owner of a hairdressing salon, was a desperate cocaine addict – using drugs virtually every day.

And behind closed doors, her life – and, therefore, that of her kids – was complete chaos. Her children’s basic needs were seen to – they were fed and clothed. But, by her own admission, they were neglected.

Single mum Zoe, who lives in a three-bedroom house with her children in Chessington, adds: “I loved my kids but I neglected them.

“They were only fed junk food. Storm’s teeth were so decayed by the time she was three that she needed every single tooth removed. I lied and swore she had a healthy diet. But then I was a master at lies and deceit and manipulation – every addict is. I lied constantly to everyone – even my mum when she tackled me about my addiction.

“I didn’t have time for my children, all I could think about was taking drugs. I only took them when they’d gone to bed, so I kidded myself it was ok – but it wasn’t.

“I’d stay up all night, taking cocaine, so I couldn’t operate during the day. I’d take the kids to school, still high. I’d have forgotten their packed lunch and turn up with a bacon sandwich later.

“I’d pick them up late, I missed mufti days and permission slips for school trips. The school must have realised something was wrong, but I think they didn’t know how to tackle it.

“After school I’d get them a take away, set them up with screens and make sure they were in bed by 7pm – I wanted them away from me.”

When her children were too young to know better, they thought their chaotic lifestyle was normal.

But Sonny, who is going to university to study architecture, says his attitude to his mum changed when he began comparing his family life to that of his friends.

He says: “As I grew older, and realised how much she neglected us, I resented her and hated how she’d been with us. I retreated into my room and gamed as a way of escaping.

“But I’ve had therapy now and I understand what addiction can do. I always loved her beneath my anger, and recently I’ve felt ready to tell her that, but it’s been a long path.”

Zoey’s addiction started in 1997 when she was 17. While her friends used cocaine recreationally, she became addicted within six months. And for the next 20 years she battled her problem, going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and to rehab several times.

At her worst, she was taking £500 worth of cocaine in a day, even at work. To fund her addiction, she had various jobs as a barmaid and running a sunbed salon – as well as borrowing from friends – and from 2012, she had her own hairdressing salon.

She says: “I can’t explain why I used as I didn’t really enjoy it. The image is that it’s a party drug. But it destroyed my confidence. I hated going out. But I couldn’t stop, that’s the nature of addiction.

“Though I had a loving upbringing – my mum has always been a huge support and was desperately worried about me.”

Zoey did experience some childhood trauma and bullying, which she believes may have triggered her addictive behaviour. But, whatever the reason, by May 2005, she was so dependent on cocaine that Zoey tried to take her own life.

She felt it was the only way she could stop. But she called an ambulance and was sectioned and then went into residential rehab for 12 weeks. Many people would question why Zoey, who is now divorced, chose to have children when she fell pregnant with her partner shortly after leaving rehab.

But she says: “I was clean and I had severe endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome, so I’d been told I couldn’t have children and desperately wanted them. It felt like my only chance.

“I was under the care of social services, because of my suicide attempt and I had drug tests throughout my pregnancy and afterwards. When Sonny was born he was put into the custody of my parents so I moved in with them.

“I wish I could say I bonded with Sonny, but I struggled. I wasn’t in the right place mentally after all I’d been through. After a year, social services allowed me to have custody of Sonny and I started using again.

“I cared for him, I’d always change his nappies and he was fed regularly and bathed but that was it.”

When she fell pregnant with Storm in 2009, she kept using. She says: “I hated myself. I wanted to be a proper mum, but addiction ruled my life.

“I kidded myself that if my kids didn’t see me using then it was OK. But I was half a person, staying up using all night and a zombie during the day – fuelled by Red Bull.”

It was tragedy that started Zoey on the path to getting clean. She says, “A good friend had terminal breast cancer, she was fighting to live and be around for her son. Sadly she lost the battle. And there I was wrecking my body and risking death.

“Shortly afterwards, on December 30, 2017, I looked at my children at the kitchen table. They looked so worried and the house was a tip. It was as if a switch flipped in my head and I knew I couldn’t do it to them anymore. They deserved a mum.”

On New Year’s Day 2018, Zoey split up with her ex and asked her mum and doctor for help. She’s been clean ever since, with their support and a lot of therapy. But her addiction has also taken a terrible toll physically.

In 2020 she had a stroke, which doctors said was due to the abuse she put her body through. She had two more in 2021 – and all of them left her without speech for weeks. She’s now fully recovered though she needs to take medication to stop it happening again.

Otherwise, she’s healthy, she eats well and every night she sits down with her children to eat a homecooked meal.

She says, “It’s a small thing, but for me it’s everything, it’s us being a normal family. A few days ago we went on a day trip to Brighton, we walked along the beach and it was wonderful – it’s our life now.

“But it took a long time. Recovery isn’t easy, it didn’t suddenly come right. I had to get to know them and learn to be a mum – even the small things like asking how their day was and really listening.

“When you’re in recovery it’s all about the addict, but it’s the kids who suffer. I stole their childhood. I’m lucky that they’ve forgiven me. I look at myself now and think ‘you selfish, disgusting human being.’ They didn’t deserve it, no child does.

“That’s why I’m speaking out. No one should kid themselves that they’re being a mum if they’re taking drugs. Your children might not understand why their life isn’t normal. But they know it isn’t and suffer.”

Storm adds” “It’s been hard. I had to grow up fast so I find it hard to make friends with people my age. Sometimes I refuse to go to school, as it’s never felt important – after all, for the first years of my life no one cared if I achieved anything. But I’m so proud of mum for being clean, we’re really close and I love her to bits.”

Slightly more cautiously, Sonny adds: “I’ve had therapy and we’re getting there. But it took a long time to believe the new mum was here to stay.”

Zoey is now setting up a charity and filming a documentary, trying to raise awareness about the toll addiction takes on children, in a bid to get them support. She says: “If I only help one person that’s enough.”

For more information, follow Zoey Clarke on Facebook.

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