NOTHING in this world is as adorable or perfect as a newborn baby, so please say hello to gorgeous Nonchalant N, a second grandson and third grandchild for yours truly and brother of Little L and Canny C.
Every grandparent will recognise the nauseating pride and wilful blindness to weary smiles on the faces of victims shown countless pictures of a day-old kid whether they want to see him or not.
Mine is obviously the world’s most wonderful baby since Canny C, who was the best since Little L, who was the loveliest since my own three. We grandparents are professional bores, capable of droning on for Britain.
Nonchalant N feels easier going than his siblings, placid as he snoozes with tiny clenched fists. The shock of black hair would turn Harry Hill green and it has just dawned on me I’ve yet to see his eyes. He must pretend to be asleep until I go.
He’s small and vulnerable, like every newborn, and cradling the sixth in line to the Maguire throne generated less anxiety than watching Sunderland 1-0 ahead after 75 minutes as the opposition presses a leaky team for an equaliser. Muscle memory kicked in to zip him inside a pram suit without terror, no complaints, and silent approval from a watching mother.
Granny V and Grandpa J on his dad’s side, sharing the happiness bond, also gathered to greet Nonchalant N.
The sight that will live longest was his brother and sister snuggling on the settee with the new addition. And my cunning plan of gifts to Little L and Canny C on behalf of the baby smoothed familial enlargement, obviously.
Except Little L’s remote-controlled car didn’t survive as long as an Austin Allegro, screeching to a halt after a couple of hours. An upgrade from the £15.99 model to a £20.89 replacement will hopefully keep going until boredom kicks in.
Canny C’s wind-breaking dog on the other hand was a barking success – C’s mother was too knackered with the baby to leash the questionable toy.
Don’t fancy its chances, mind, when she’s running on full power again. The great kennel in the sky may still beckon for the tatty pooch.
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